Twenty-five Absolutely True Facts About Me

Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to annoy. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

1. I pull fire hydrants from the ground in the manner that most men uproot radishes.

2. I once went a whole week without speaking.

3. I shot down a Chinese fighter jet in peace time.

4. I’ve founded and led just as many cults as I’ve joined.

5. I once taught a male cat to lactate in order to provide nourishment to a stray litter of marmots I found by the tracks.

6. I once saved a child from drowning, but quickly realized that he would grow up to be the next Hitler. I promptly placed him back into the river.

7. I was singlehandedly responsible for both the rise AND fall of ska music.

8. I can make lightbulbs shine in my mouth like Uncle Fester.

9. With the ability mentioned in line 8, I powered an orphanage’s heater during the blackout caused by the great sandstorm of ought-seven.

10. I earned my vast fortune by creating a chain of recycling centers that offer 1 cent more than the state-minimum bottle and can deposit. I then sell these cans back to the beverage companies at a tidy profit.

11. There are 57 known uses for police crime scene tape.

12. That’s not a fact about you.

13. Shut up.

14. I once went a whole year without writing down a single word.

15. I killed Laura Palmer. It was me.

16. I go to great pains to locate the center of gravity of any given person or thing I encounter. As a result, I can balance anything on my chin.

17. I can travel through time in one hour increments, but only twice a year. The first Sunday of March, and the first Sunday of November. It greatly inspired Benjamin Franklin.

18. I used to have a pilot’s license, but lost it for reasons you must promise never to ask me about.

19. The orphanage I powered with my light bulb mouth burned down after I improperly balanced a platter of cherries jubilee on my chin.

20. My mattress and pillow are both filled with packing peanuts.

21. I once went a whole day without focusing my eyes.

22. I have a birthmark on the roof of my mouth.

23. I’ve invented several perpetual motion machines, but I promptly lose them upon completion. Nothing I throw in their way will stop them from just goin’ and a-goin’.

24. I know the exact year, month, minute and second that you will die. But not the hour. No, that’s up to you.

25. I can’t go a single second without lying.