Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to annoy. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.
1. I pull fire hydrants from the ground in the manner that most men uproot radishes.
2. I once went a whole week without speaking.
3. I shot down a Chinese fighter jet in peace time.
4. I’ve founded and led just as many cults as I’ve joined.
5. I once taught a male cat to lactate in order to provide nourishment to a stray litter of marmots I found by the tracks.
6. I once saved a child from drowning, but quickly realized that he would grow up to be the next Hitler. I promptly placed him back into the river.
7. I was singlehandedly responsible for both the rise AND fall of ska music.
8. I can make lightbulbs shine in my mouth like Uncle Fester.
9. With the ability mentioned in line 8, I powered an orphanage’s heater during the blackout caused by the great sandstorm of ought-seven.
10. I earned my vast fortune by creating a chain of recycling centers that offer 1 cent more than the state-minimum bottle and can deposit. I then sell these cans back to the beverage companies at a tidy profit.
11. There are 57 known uses for police crime scene tape.
12. That’s not a fact about you.
13. Shut up.
14. I once went a whole year without writing down a single word.
15. I killed Laura Palmer. It was me.
16. I go to great pains to locate the center of gravity of any given person or thing I encounter. As a result, I can balance anything on my chin.
17. I can travel through time in one hour increments, but only twice a year. The first Sunday of March, and the first Sunday of November. It greatly inspired Benjamin Franklin.
18. I used to have a pilot’s license, but lost it for reasons you must promise never to ask me about.
19. The orphanage I powered with my light bulb mouth burned down after I improperly balanced a platter of cherries jubilee on my chin.
20. My mattress and pillow are both filled with packing peanuts.
21. I once went a whole day without focusing my eyes.
22. I have a birthmark on the roof of my mouth.
23. I’ve invented several perpetual motion machines, but I promptly lose them upon completion. Nothing I throw in their way will stop them from just goin’ and a-goin’.
24. I know the exact year, month, minute and second that you will die. But not the hour. No, that’s up to you.
25. I can’t go a single second without lying.