Watch Out for Fireballs! App and "Abject Suffering"

UPDATE: We love you so much that we've decided to up the game, and bring out TWO episodes of Abject Suffering per month. So, you'll really really want to buy this app.

You're a big fan of Watch Out for Fireballs!. You subscribe in your podcast app of choice, or download directly from the site, or compel a friend to summarize every episode for you. However, you wish there was more. We get it.

Which is why we have introduced the Watch Out for Fireballs! App, which is distributed in a partnership with the company that hosts our show. It's available for iOS right now, and will be available for Android soon.

For a scant $1.99, you get access to every episode of our show, anytime, anywhere. It does all that streaming jazz you want, you can favorite episodes, email us or call the voicemail... everything. (See the bottom of this post for info on how to get access to this app)

Now, you may be thinking "Wait, I can get your show for free! Why would I pay $2, you dingus?"

Well, we anticipated that.

Instead of making the Extrasodes paid bonus content, we've decided to start a WHOLE NEW SHOW that will be exclusive to the app for some time.

We call it Abject Suffering with Gary and Kole.

Think of it like our YouTube channel, where we do let's plays of old games, good and bad. Except this time, it's a comedic audio program where we sit down each month, and play as much as we can possibly bear... then drain the bile in a ~30 minute-long therapy session.

Most importantly, we want YOU to suggest the games that we play. Think of it as your way to get your revenge on us... for... something. To do this, go to the Watch Out for Fireballs! page, and you'll find a module that lets you suggest your games there. Hit us with your best (or worst) shot.

This will be available to those who have purchased the app, released on the occasion of any given WOFF! episode release. It will remain exclusive to the app for a good long while, with the possibility of being released to the public at large much later.

So, incentive! It's an exciting time for the show, and we really hope that you love the app (and Abject Suffering). Please contact us if you can think of any way to improve the app, and we will be receptive to your cries.

How to Download the App on iOS

  1. Download The Podcast Box.
  2. Search for "Watch Out for Fireballs!"
  3. Purchase the App.
  4. Enjoy!
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Watch Out for Fireballs! Magnets!

Look WOFFLE in the Eyes

Who is WOFFLE? WOFFLE is the mascot of Watch Out for Fireballs! You know, the little fire ball that looks into your soul every week with his dead, dark eyes.

Why wouldn't you want him to stare you down every time you reach for your milk, pasta sauce, or beverages?

That's right, there's no reason.

That's why we're offering you the chance to buy a WOFFLE MAGNET, hand-made out of Perler beads.

Money

Here's the breakdown: Use the form below to order your magnet. It's roughly 4" x 5", and will adhere to your fridge nicely.

The base price is $5 USD, plus $2.50 USD for shipping. If you want international shipping, it'll be $4.50 USD. If you're bad at math, that's $7.50 USD for those in the US, and $9.50 USD for those in other (equally great) places.

Regardless of your locality, you'll get a couple limited edition WOFF! post cards, which you can pin up around your office or send to friends.

(PayPal is the only way we can accept money at this point. I'm really sorry if you oppose the PP Empire. Trust us, we do too. Email me at kole@duckfeed.tv if you want a way around it, and I'll see what I can do).

Support

Watch Out for Fireballs! has been growing very rapidly recently. This our first forray into A). offering merchandise, and B). finding a way for fans to directly support the show.

Both Gary and I tremendously appreciate the outpouring of support for our insane venture so far. We have tremendous plans for the future fo this show, and others, and throwing in for a magnet will help us in very material ways.

Thanks for reading this whole thing. We love you.

 
Shipping
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Resident Evil.Net designed to urge players to finish 'Resident Evil 6' | The Verge

"The impetus for Resident Evil.Net is that we realized a lot of people purchase games and never complete them," Eiichiro Sasaki, director of Resident Evil 6 told Polygon. "We were trying to figure out how we could get people to enjoy the game from start to finish.

Seems to me like the best way to get people to finish your game is to make your game good the whole way through.

The New New Site!

I don't want the Duckfeed blog to be ignored anymore. Either by myself, or by viewers. You're here for audio blogs, or "pod-casts", but it'd be cool if this site could be informative and stuff, too.

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The New Site!

You may have noticed a slight difference in the Duckfeed.tv site and branding recently. Without boring you on technical details, the old way of managing things with Wordpress and a perpetually accruing wad of plugins and themes wasn’t tenable. So I decided to move everything to the greener pastures of Squarespace.

What this means for you is that the site will be more intuitive and responsive, with design elements that are unique to each show. What this means for me is that putting content up in a timely and sensible manner will be easier.

So, feel free to poke around and discover new and wondrous ways to hear my voice. And, if you get the time, mosey over to the donate page.

Review: Mass Effect 2 - Lair of the Shadow Broker

You should be well-aware of my boundless enthusiasm for Mass Effect 2. Fans of the podcast will know about the drinking game that has sprung up around the title: Every time I effusively praise Mass Effect 2, shots are to be taken.

Bioware really saved the best for last with  Lair of the Shadow Broker. Previous DLC outings were great, especially Overlord, but Shadow Broker really delivers on the core promise of the series.

The central character in this mission is Liara T’Soni, the Asari researcher from the first game. Liara was something of a bit player in the main events of ME2, consumed with her hunt for the feared information mogul, the Shadow Broker. My Shepard was in a relationship with Liara in the first game, and I was frustrated to find that I couldn’t pursue her in the second. Shadow Broker fixes that, in one of many gracious nods towards fans as enthusiastic as myself.

Sexytime aside, Shadow Broker brings the ruckus as you engage in a firefight that stretches from one side of Illium to another. Illium felt underutilized in the main game. Billed as a futuristic Dubai where hedonism and capitalism go hand-in-hand, everything seemed a little too clean. Being that a large portion of the mission takes place in a brothel, while asari prostitutes dodge fire from a rogue Spectre, I think we can say “Underbelly Achieved.”

Speaking of that Spectre, it was nice to see Bioware acknowledge the continued existence of the Council’s secret agents. She proves to be a capable and interesting one-off antagonist for the first portion of the mission, and is one of the best boss fights in the series.

The final leg of the mission takes place in the Shadow Broker’s lair itself, which provides an interesting callback to the final dungeon of the first game, and has one of the most stunning views in the series. I won’t spoil what happens beyond that.

All of this happens at a very fast pace, with brief breaks for investigation and conversation. Keeping with the set precedent, the writing is phenomenal. When you finally get Liara in your party, it’s like reuniting with an old friend. If you choose to re-kindle the romance with her, it’s tastefully done and is surprisingly heartfelt. It was nice to get closure on her story, which is central to the events in Mass Effect 2, but was frustratingly obscured before. The biggest bummer is that Liara doesn’t join your squad, opting instead to pursue new obligations.

I have to question Bioware’s wisdom in putting this essential bit of lore inside of a $10 piece of DLC that released 8 months after the game itself. Some important stuff happens here, and I think that some of it would have fit in better with Mass Effect 3. As it stands, the DLC is pure fan service, and the devoted few will certainly pay the price of admission. The experience runs about 2 hours, if that matters to you, but it’s densely packed and worth the space-bucks.

After you finish the main story, definitely read the text logs about the members of the Normandy team. I don’t want to give away specifics, but the information contained therein ranges from gut-bustingly funny to kind of heartbreaking. The episodic nature of the Mass Effect 2 experience allows you to get to know these characters very well, and if you’ve been paying attention, you’ll get some hints about where everything is headed.

Should you buy Lair of the Shadow Broker? Definitely. Especially if you’re the kind of person who would laugh at jokes about asari and salarian anatomy. The worst part about the whole thing is that Mass Effect 3 seems to be nowhere on the horizon. Rather than quenching my thirst, Lair has made it that much worse.

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7 Songs I'd Kill to Play in Rock Band 3

I was at work the other day, managing some recordings, and I had a very potent thought. “I have really good taste in music,” I said with satisfaction, to myself. I also quite enjoy music games, and my anticipation for Rock Band 3 is palpable.

Ten more tracks were announced for the game yesterday, leaving just about half of the tracks unannounced. Ever since the lead-up to Guitar Hero II, I’ve formulated a list of songs I’d like to play in music games. With Rock Band 3 adding keys and vocal harmonies, there are even greater possibilities for the songs on my list to get their due.

What follows is a list of seven songs I’d like to see in the game. Will they make it in? Maybe not, but I will provide a brief justification for each. Most of the videos will be from live versions of the songs, because those work really well.

“For Real” by Okkervil River

This is the big daddy of them all. Okkervil River is an indie band from Austin, TX, which you probably don’t know about. “For Real” is the single from their seminal album Black Sheep Boy, and its explosive energy can hardly be contained. There’s plenty here for everyone, with huge guitars, keys, drums, and passionate vocals. It plays with dynamics, and ends with a batshit insane breakdown. Will Sheff, the lead singer for the band, throws everything he has into the track, making it one of my favorite songs of all time, and a killer prospect for Rock Band inclusion.

“The Snow Leopard” by Shearwater

Shearwater is another Austin indie band, and an offshoot from Okkervil River itself. “The Snow Leopard” is the haunting single from the album Rook, and everyone I show this song to says it’s like if Radiohead grew a spine. The keys are featured here, along with Jon Meiburg’s chilling falsetto. Like “For Real,” it builds to an explosive conclusion.

Forgive the video and audio quality of this video. Very few live recordings of Shearwater exist.

“Tangled Up in Plaid” by Queens of the Stone Age

The Queens of the Stone Age are no strangers to Rock Band, but that doesn’t mean there’s nearly enough of their songs in the game. Lullabies to Paralyze is an underrated album, and “Tangled Up in Plaid” is its standout track. Josh Homme is the king of sleazy weirdness, and “Tangled” stomps around the city like a perverted robot that runs on synth and dirty guitar.

“Hey Hey, My My”  by Neil Young and Crazy Horse

The team at Harmonix loves to put classic rock in their games, treating Rock Band as a music history lesson for younger generations. Given this fact, it’s inexplicable that we don’t have ANY Neil Young to play. Young was the original everything-man, creating genres every time he picked up his old black Les Paul. “Hey Hey, My My,” from Rust Never Sleeps, is one of the most influential tracks of all time, with loud guitars and Neil Young’s distinctive voice singing about how it’s better to burn out than fade away.

“Doin’ the Cockroach”  by Modest Mouse

Modest Mouse has achieved a great deal of commercial success, but forgive my snobbiness in saying that they did their best work when nobody knew about them. There’s some disagreement, but The Lonesome Crowded West stands as their magnum opus, and “Doin’ the Cockroach” is still a favorite at live shows today. Isaac Brock’s lyrics about the alienation of modern life are set to a creeping, skittering background of guitars that shift from lull to frenzy with abandon. With all of the time signature changes, this would be a killer song on drums as well.

“Jesus, Etc.” by Wilco

Let’s turn the volume down for a little bit, and get to know a little song by Chicago band Wilco. Yankee Hotel Foxtrot should be required listening. Blast it from speakers on street corners, play it every morning at high schools around the nation. “Jesus, Etc.” won’t blow anyone’s mind with its loudness, but when you dig into its intricacies, you’ll find a chill, enjoyable song for everyone involved.

“Novocaine for the Soul” by Eels

This isn’t the best Eels song, but the best Eels songs wouldn’t work in a Rock Band game. This track from Beautiful Freak, however, would be a great time on keys with its toy piano part, and the guitar isn’t half bad as well. The song may cause you to float around, so exercise caution if your ceiling is decorated with especially sharp chandeliers.

That concludes our tour of my iTunes library. Do you think my songs suck? Then suggest your own in the comments!

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Review: The Eels "End Times"

This is a re-post from the Bearcast Music blog. Head over there to check out reviews of current albums, which can be heard on Bearcast. I wrote this review on Sunday, February 21, 2010.

Eels frontman Mark Oliver Everett, better known as “E,” has made a cottage industry out of his personal pain and suffering.

His body of work, from the seminal Electro-Shock Blues to his sprawling magnum opus Blinking Lights, has drawn heavily from an autobiography laced with cancer, suicide, and insanity. As his family dies off and his lovers leave him, E industriously sets these tragic tales to catchy melodies.

The most recent Eels album, End Times, makes me want to hurt myself.

But in a good way.

End Times comes hot on the heels of Hombre Lobo, with only six months separating the two albums, and they couldn’t be any more different. Conceived as a pair, Hombre Lobo is about the blossoming of love between E and his wife, while End Times is about their bitter divorce.

The album shuffles off the glossy production values of earlier Eels albums, and favors a “Band in a Box” sound. Glimpses of the old Eels occasionally shine through, thanks to the return of drummer Butch (Jonathan Norton) after seven long years of estrangement.

It’s easy to call E’s lyrics self-absorbed, if you’re not willing to go along for the ride. He captures the essence of depression, singing “I take small comfort in a dying world, I’m not the only one who’s feeling this pain” in “Gone Man Gone.” Such negativity doesn’t have universal appeal, but it’s perfectly at home on a breakup album for grownups.

It’s odd to hear E speak so personally about his relationship with his ex wife, which was kept almost entirely under wraps until the publishing of his autobiography Things the Grandchildren Should Know in 2008. Prior love songs from the group were written in the third person, and E’s discomfort with the subject reveals itself in some kind-of clunky lyrics.

End Times is varied in its sounds, drifting from frail electric ballads like “End Times” to the raucous rockabilly of “Gone Man Gone” and “Paradise Blues.”

The album has three must-listen tracks, each demonstrating E’s mastery of simple melodies and heartbreaking lyrics.

“A Line in the Dirt” is a piano ballad whose chord structure lifted almost exactly from E’s song “Manchester Girl,” a B-side from 20 years ago. It sets a simple scene of a man making appeals to his wife through a locked bathroom door, as she makes him realize that, in reality, he wants to be alone. A subtle orchestral arrangement of strings and horns swells as he accepts this, and drives off into the dark.

“Mansions of Los Feliz” is the acoustic confessional of a shut-in who’s trying to ignore the outside world and forget his past. The song stumbles when E breaks into a falsetto “la-la” chorus over the bridge, but the rest is A-grade classic Eels.

“Little Bird” is an astoundingly beautiful and frail song. E sings to a bird on his porch, his only friend, about how much he misses his wife. This is accompanied by a soft, clean electric guitar arpeggiating over a nearly-inaudible orchestra. The song hearkens back to the title track of Daisies of the Galaxy, another underrated gem from the band’s library.

End Times isn’t for everyone. It’s more melancholy than prior Eels albums, which is saying quite a bit. It’s easy to miss the beauty of the arrangements, in the face of the ugly words laid over top of them. It’s also easy to miss the arc of the story. Like all Eels albums, it spends a great deal of time wallowing in despair, but eventually it gets a grip and realizes that things might just be okay after all. Hardly triumphant, but it counts for something.

Score: 8 out of 10

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Review: Shearwater's "The Golden Archipelago"

This is a re-post from the Bearcast Music blog. Head over there to check out reviews of current albums, which can be heard on Bearcast. I wrote this review on Sunday, February 21, 2010.

Shearwater’s latest outing, The Golden Archipelago, fits nicely alongside the band’s previous albums Palo Santo and Rook. Whereas Palo Santo was about the horrors of war, and Rook was about the splendor of nature, The Golden Archipelago marries the two concepts and explores how man’s brutality affects the natural world.

“This is how I learned the lie that power breeds regeneration.”

Shearwater has come into its own, and can no longer be considered a side-project of fellow Austin, TX band Okkervil River. Shearwater Mk. II’s output has been consistently haunting, atmospheric, and environmentalist. Their lyrics and melodies paint an impressionistic landscape, with images that jab out with stark vividness before fading back into the ether.

The Golden Archipelago is a narrative album, based on frontman Jon Meiburg’s travels to islands in the Pacific. This trip followed the footsteps of his grandfather, who was a radio operator in World War II. His grandfather’s story frames the album, contrasting his military life with the islands that were being destroyed in the fight.

“His eyes on the waves, and a god below the waterline.”

Meiburg’s vocals remain his best strength, as he sings with tremendous clarity and range. In a single song, he will transition from a falsetto whisper into a bellowing wail, as in the album’s first single “Castaways.” What’s remarkable is that he’s often kept low in the mix, obscured by the wall of sound that’s built around him. When his voice pierces through, it leaves an indelible mark on the song.

The cerebral nature of the lyrics and softness of the melodies makes the band difficult to classify… Until you hear the drums. Percussionist Thor Harris ushers the compositions along with driving, often tribal beats on tracks like “Corridors” and “Landscape at Speed.” Where drums are inappropriate, Harris mans the vibraphone, contributing to the complexity of the melodies. A drummer named Thor hammering on the skins? That sounds like a rock band to me.

“Where the hull scrapes the silent eyes and the gulls on the frozen ropes.”

The standout track of the album is “God Made Me,” which brings the family aspect of the story to the forefront. It starts out with timid strings mimicking a chorus of insects, coalescing into a simple melody alongside Meiburg singing about witnessing some horrible catastrophe. The song builds to a tremendous crescendo of exploding electric guitar chords… Suddenly halting, giving way to a short denouement of strings and guitars, like fading air-raid sirens, as if nothing had happened at all.

The Golden Archipelago is not a perfect album, but it’s pretty damn close. It’s solid gold from start to finish. It has a story to tell, and a bitter message to deliver about the wholesale destruction of natural beauty in this world. The album drifts in and out of focus, like a waking dream, pulling you in with its atmosphere and subtle complexity.

Score: 10 out of 10

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DJ Hero Review

I’m no stranger to music games. I purchased PaRappa the Rapper day one. I went to Best Buy daily to play their pre-release demos of Guitar Hero. I can beat “Painkiller” on expert drums in Rock Band 2.

Due to my storied career with the genre, it takes a lot for a music game to impress me.

Thankfully, DJ Hero lives up to my expectations, despite its flaws.

Developed by FreeStyleGames and published by Activision, DJ Hero is to turntablism what Guitar Hero is to rock music. With the turntable controller in-hand, you tap, scratch, and crossfade notes as they move toward the screen. The songs you play are mash-ups of two different tracks, and the game tasks you with “mixing” them together on the fly.

It’s an immensely satisfying experience when you do it right.

A music game lives and dies by its track list, and DJ Hero contains more hits than misses. FreeStyle managed to jam a lot of genres into the game, more often than not pitting widely disparate musical styles against each other.

This pays off most when the guest DJs are behind the mix. The entire Daft Punk set list could justify a purchase, if you’re of the right persuasion. Other standout contributors are DJ Shadow and the Scratch Perverts.

These tracks work because you can tell what’s happening with the mix, which can be difficult sometimes since DJ Hero’s concept is more abstract than Guitar Hero’s. The interface is incredibly complicated, since the game is asking you to perform a wide variety of actions.

There’s no jarring “thunk” if you miss a note: the track just doesn’t play. This lack of feedback makes it difficult to improve at the game, as does the inability to fail out of a song.

The music falls flat whenever guitar based rock songs are featured. Those mixes are absolute trainwrecks. The guitar set list, in which one person mans the turntables while another plays on a guitar controller, can be safely ignored.

The music genre thrives in a social setting, but DJ Hero’s biggest flaw is that it’s an incredibly solitary experience. I imagine you could pull it out at a party, play it, and expect people to dance. But I can also imagine being beaten up at said party, because that’s really lame.

A word about the turntable controller. It’s a solid piece of work, and it only takes about 30 minutes to get used to it. There is a very comprehensive tutorial, but unfortunately it can’t be skipped. I recognize that it’s necessary, and quite helpful, but non-skippable tutorials are never excusable.

Eventually you get lost in the music and forget that the controller is even there, but some glaring flaws keep it from being a great device.

My biggest issue is with the crossfader. There’s a “click” when it’s in the middle, neutral position, but it’s not sticky enough. Too often, I’d overshoot my mark while fading back to the middle, and break my combo. Forget about nailing the faster sections. Perhaps some more practice will negate this, but probably not as quickly as a redesigned crossfader.

It sounds like I’m down on this game, but I nitpick because I see potential. Don’t be misled for a second, the game drew me in. I started playing DJ Hero immediately after it was delivered to me. Four hours later, I realized I’d forgotten to eat dinner. It offers a new challenge for music game veterans, something that hasn’t happened for a few years.

DJ Hero feels like the original Guitar Hero. The “one more song” compulsion is overpowering, it forces you to develop new hand-eye coordination, and offers fun insight into the music being presented.

It also seems a little unpolished, and will certainly benefit from another iteration before it truly hits its stride.

I will award extra points if the sequel contains tracks from LCD Soundsystem.

Score: 7.0

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In Defense of iPhone Games

The market for iPhone games isn’t slowing down. The initial deluge of titles was looked at skeptically, and the rush of people purchasing games for their expensive toy was seen as a temporary justification for owning such an extravagant phone. There are 165 games being added to the iTunes App Store daily, a staggering number that dwarfs even the most hectic of holiday release schedules.

Despite this, core gamers (and oh, how I hate the core/casual dichotomy) sneer at the idea of iPhone games. Their attitude is similar to how I think film buffs view the idea of watching films on their phones (for an elegant summary of this sentiment,just watch this video of David Lynch expressing his feelings on mobile video). The experience differs fundamentally from playing a game on a home console. For people whose entire concept of gaming is tied to a television screen, I could see why it would be easy to dismiss iPhone games. They’re probably doing it out of fear. If developing an iPhone game and getting it into the top 100 is so profitable, who in their right mind would dedicate resources to making triple-A titles?

Speaking personally, I myself am a “core” gamer, if that’s even an applicable term anymore. Despite my affinity for deep, complex games on Xbox 360, I’ve come to appreciate iPhone games. I purchased my iPod Touch as a productivity tool. The idea of having Remember the Milk and Mint in the palm of my hand was too tempting to pass up.

When I received my Touch on Christmas day, the first game I bought was Rolando, published by ngMoco. ngMoco’s founder, Neil Young (not the musician) recently evangelized for the iPhone at GDC, hailing it as a revolution for the games industry. Rolando sold me on this idea before he even said the words.

Rolando is ridiculously underpriced for the quality and quantity of content you’re getting. It’s a game I could see going for $30 on the DS, or $50 on the PSP. Why, instead, develop it for iPhone and sell it for a third of its value? First, it’s a game that utilizes the functionality of its platform to such a degree, I can honestly say that it couldn’t be done anywhere else. Second, it could have been a grand experiment for the company. The overriding philosophy of iPhone marketing is “profit by a thousand cuts.” And it worked.

The fact that all iPhone games fall below the $10 mark is pure genius. I’m one of those people who has a price threshold for hesitating about purchases. That threshold usually hovers around 20 to 30 dollars. My rule beyond that point is to allow myself one day for every $10 a product will cost, then make my decision. If a product falls below that price point, I could buy it all day. Just clicking and clicking with no regard for the fact that the sum total is WAY above what I’m comfortable spending.

Case in point would be a game like Bejeweled 2. At $3, it’s the steal of the century. I have no need to justify that purchase, beyond thinking to myself “well, I’ll just not buy that second beer at the bar later.”

The amount of time I’ll spend with these games works similarly to how much I’ll spend on them. For as much as I loved Fallout 3, I recognized that I would need at least two hours to even start getting into the meat of a playing session. As such, there were days I simply couldn’t justify putting it into the system. I had better things to do.

However, with games like Bejewled, Rolando, or Word Fu, the time investment is so far below my threshold that I don’t think twice about whipping out my iPod and playing a 5 minute game… Then another… Then another.

This raises the idea that iPhone games are like the fast food of gaming. Cheap enough to purchase without thinking about it, and insubstantial enough to warrant repeat indulgence. It’s easy to view this as a derisive comparison until you realize that fast food, like iPhone gaming, is a lucrative industry. Also, unlike fast food, playing Bejeweled on the iPhone won’t lead to an early death.

What’s great about iPhone games is that the successful ones are designed in such inventive ways. It took a while for developers to fully grasp the platform, but these growing pains didn’t last nearly as long as they did for developers making games for the DS. If you’ll remember, we had to suffer through nearly two years of ports with dubious and half-assed touch screen support before we got to the truly unique stuff. If Rolando can be seen as the herald for the iPhone coming of age, then its adolescence only lasted about six months.

There’s a beauty in the economy necessary to develop a game suited to the mobile platform. Concessions need to be made, and what results is an experience that’s distilled to its purest form. Few games have gotten away with straight-across adaptation to the platform. Sim City is an example of a game that works very well on the iPhone, despite the fact that it’s so cluttered with information that it should never have been successful.

“Core Gamers” who profess to love the craft of game design should take notice of this economy, and realize how stripping away the bloated trappings of cinematic experiences has caused renaissance in how games are played. There’s no excuse for such a young art like video games to stagnate, and sadly that’s happened. It’s a joy to witness new ideas and mechanics being born, and to see their designers getting compensated for it.

The stakes are low, the teams are small, and there’s no corporate structure interfering with the designer’s ideas. It’s great, and there’s no reason to think that casual mobile gaming can’t coexist with core experiences on the consoles. If anything, triple-A developers can learn from their iPhone counterparts, and deliver a greater volume of compelling content at lower costs.

The rules are being rewritten by ngmoco, PopCap, and the new Nintendo. I dread the day that Peggle comes out for the iPhone. When that game drops, so will my will to do anything else. However, before I drop into (further) obscurity, I’ll manage to write one more sentence: “Give it a try, and don’t be mad when I say ‘I told you so.’”

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Twenty-five Absolutely True Facts About Me

Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to annoy. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

1. I pull fire hydrants from the ground in the manner that most men uproot radishes.

2. I once went a whole week without speaking.

3. I shot down a Chinese fighter jet in peace time.

4. I’ve founded and led just as many cults as I’ve joined.

5. I once taught a male cat to lactate in order to provide nourishment to a stray litter of marmots I found by the tracks.

6. I once saved a child from drowning, but quickly realized that he would grow up to be the next Hitler. I promptly placed him back into the river.

7. I was singlehandedly responsible for both the rise AND fall of ska music.

8. I can make lightbulbs shine in my mouth like Uncle Fester.

9. With the ability mentioned in line 8, I powered an orphanage’s heater during the blackout caused by the great sandstorm of ought-seven.

10. I earned my vast fortune by creating a chain of recycling centers that offer 1 cent more than the state-minimum bottle and can deposit. I then sell these cans back to the beverage companies at a tidy profit.

11. There are 57 known uses for police crime scene tape.

12. That’s not a fact about you.

13. Shut up.

14. I once went a whole year without writing down a single word.

15. I killed Laura Palmer. It was me.

16. I go to great pains to locate the center of gravity of any given person or thing I encounter. As a result, I can balance anything on my chin.

17. I can travel through time in one hour increments, but only twice a year. The first Sunday of March, and the first Sunday of November. It greatly inspired Benjamin Franklin.

18. I used to have a pilot’s license, but lost it for reasons you must promise never to ask me about.

19. The orphanage I powered with my light bulb mouth burned down after I improperly balanced a platter of cherries jubilee on my chin.

20. My mattress and pillow are both filled with packing peanuts.

21. I once went a whole day without focusing my eyes.

22. I have a birthmark on the roof of my mouth.

23. I’ve invented several perpetual motion machines, but I promptly lose them upon completion. Nothing I throw in their way will stop them from just goin’ and a-goin’.

24. I know the exact year, month, minute and second that you will die. But not the hour. No, that’s up to you.

25. I can’t go a single second without lying.

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About EGM and 1UP

Anyone who’s been following gaming news over the past week knows what’s up. With Hearst/UGO’s acquisition of 1UP.com, Ziff Davis has pulled the plug on Electronic Gaming Monthly and laid off a great deal of the 1UP staff.

I’ve waited this long to speak about it, because emotions are running high. It’s absurd to say or think, but EGM has been a big part of my development as a critical thinker when it comes to video games. I’m young, so I missed some of the glory days of the publication. I wasn’t old enough to read when they were reviewing Super Mario Bros. 3 and whatnot. But I’ve had my subscription since grade school, and I can honestly say that their staff of writers has greatly influenced both my love of games and my decision to write about them.

More recently, I stumbled across the 1UP podcasts. What I realized when the podcast staff was laid off was how personal the medium can be. Again, we’re getting into absurd histrionics, but I felt like I knew a great deal of the podcast crews. Especially at 1UP FM, Nick Suttner and Phil Kollar were great to listen to, and the network’s consistently high quality product made my long days at the office less soul crushing.

Moreover, it was their podcasts that caused massive overhauls in the way that my own podcast and radio show were presented. To me, it seems like they wrote the book about making games podcasting entertaining. I couldn’t hope for my show to be as good as what they did, but the fun is in the trying.

I’ll still read 1UP.com, because there are plenty of talented people there. What’s nice about the site is that it’s an Institution (capital “I”). Good people will gravitate toward it, and any void left by those who were laid off will be filled with other talented writers. They won’t be able to replace those who were lost, but they don’t need to, because those people are off pursuing their own new projects.

The 1UP FM crew are currently helming the Rebel FM podcast, and their premiere episode was amazing enough to put them at #1 on the iTunes charts. Those same folks are also writing for Eat-Sleep-Game, and the 1UP Show crew is now working on a project at TalkingOrange.com.

I don’t know what else there is to say about the “incident.” Personally, it broke my heart for the aforementioned reasons, and because I am left uncertain about my own future. It’s a sad time for someone who is looking at writing for or about games as a carreer. If EGM can fall, then who can stand?

I wish everyone who got laid off the best of luck. You’ve influenced more people than you know, and I’m certain you’ve got great things ahead of you.

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Chrono Cross

So, I’ve started to work through my backlog a little bit.

Everyone who consumes any sort of media has a backlog. If you have Tivo or a DVR box, you’ve certainly got about a billion episodes of your favorite shows that you haven’t watched. DVDs you bought but never watched, books that sit on your shelf just for show, etc.

With games, you buy a game when it first comes out. Your zeal is umatched, you think “man, I’m going to play through this whole thing in one weekend.” Then, years later, it still sits there unfinished.

My most obvious offender of this is Chrono Cross, the stepbrother of / sequel to Chrono Trigger. I’ve only gotten 1/3 of the way through it, and it came out in 2000. Since I just recently spent a great deal of time playing the excellent DS port of Chrono Trigger, it’s only logical that I’d see the series through to its poorly budgeted, mistranslated conclusion.

My first thought was about how poorly the game has aged. But what game from that generation has aged well? The sprites of late-era SNES games have a kind of unified charm, a cohesion of art direction and technical capacity. Every prominent PS1 RPG is rendered as follows: gorgeous pre-rendered backdrop, jaggy polygonal player characters. In Chrono Trigger, battles happen seamlessly on the exploring field. In Chrono Cross, the player is jarringly ripped from the beautiful dungeons and towns into a muddy representation of the environment. This is more a consequence of the hardware limitations of the time. Even though current gen RPGs eliminate this visual divide, I actually can’t be bothered to play them.

As it is, the last JRPG I’ve played to completion was Final Fantasy X. That was in 2002, a full six years ago. I attempted to play FFXII, but couldn’t get motivated to go beyond the first five hours or so.

The real reason I’m compelled to play this game is the story. Even though it rapidly degenerates when you get beyond the plot of its spiritual successor, Radical Dreamers, the promise of definite ties to Trigger drives me forward. I’m about 25 hours in, and just about to get to the second disc. A somethingawful.com writer, Bobservo, called the story “the literary equivalent of spinart” in a twitter post a while back, and I have to agree. Its preponderance of characters doesn’t help the cause. 43? Really? I felt like Trigger was pushing its limit with 7 characters.

That’s all I’m going to write about the game for now. When I finish it, expect a spoiler-ridden followup post with my exact thoughts about the game. It’s been a nice diversion over winter break, and I don’t think I’ll regret sinking the time into it. As it is, I feel like the only thing keeping it from being a really good game is the fact that it has the word “Chrono” in the title.

Postscript: One of my new year’s resolutions is to update the blog more frequently. I hate it when blogs or websites promise “I’ll update more!!! Life has been so hectic!!!,”  so this will be my only mention of it.

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